Shortest Essay

This is a story of a 16 year old boy from New Hampshire who won the
World's shortest essay competition.

He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his
Imagination and humor ....Here's an example of absolute
Brilliance.. ..

Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a
Concise essay containing the following elements:



1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery



And……




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The prize-winner wrote:



"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is."

Some Hoardings & Some Titbits

Sometimes we get what we ask for....

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

When Italians speak English

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.... '

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.'

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

Blonde Joke: Millionaire

A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

Lynda responded unhesitatingly, 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, Lynda had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

'I need an answer,' said Regis.

'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Regis.

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

Two seconds later, Regis said, 'I regret to inform you that the answer is.... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire! '

A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including Lynda, who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Lynda, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your
choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on!' said Lynda. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.!!'

Hypnotist Visits the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior's Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor ,
breaking
into a hundred pieces.

SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.*

*It took three days to clean up the Seniors' Center.*

A Lobster Story

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three- pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"

The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"

The Newfie says " What For?"

The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"

The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"

Confesssion

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with, uh, you know, favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions," the priest replied. "If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a relief," the man said. He then added, "I have one more question."
"What is it, my son?" the priest asked.
The man answered, "She is pretty old now. Should I tell her the war is over?"

Hearing Problem - Husband Wife Jokes

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

Daddy, how was I born ????

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'???

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!!!

IT'S GUMPYJOKETIME - SPECIAL TEA

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my older brother. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'