A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Generous lawyer
Why men wear ear rings?
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
Women are so much smarter than men!
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men!
Bubble in Bathtub
Dirty Jokes - Bubble in Bathtub
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, Lets start with the boys first.
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby.
And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes next. Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.
Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.
This continues... and the last boy stands up I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.
First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds.
Teacher: Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.
Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.
Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...
Most beautiful girl of the class: Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.
Honest Lawyer!
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door.
"Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what's yours?"
"Tommy," replied the other.
"My daddy's an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
"He's a lawyer," Tommy answers.
"Honest?" says Billy.
"No, just the regular kind."
Passionate Love
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Great Accountant Jokes
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
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An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information? " "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
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A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
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Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.
Don't Mess With Your Wife!
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
still women loves man
Interesting facts
Men are like computers – hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man!
Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man!
Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man!
Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man!
Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man!
Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man!
Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man!
Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man!
A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man!
What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? – He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man!
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man!
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? – They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man!
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man!
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man!
What's the difference between men and government bonds? – Bonds mature Still Women likes man!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? – We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man!
Why are men like tile floors? – If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man!
What do you call a man with half a brain? – Gifted. Still Women likes man!
AND FINALLY …… Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? – Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man!
Noah in 2009
In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me
to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a
rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
