Short Jokes - Great father-in-law
A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeshore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in and saves her.
The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield.
"Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you!
A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield.
Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you!
A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks: "Finaly! It's about time that this old witch dies!
The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message…
THANK YOU! Your father-in-law.
Great father-in-law
Made for each other..!!
A father rat decided to marry off his daughter to a prospective groom - another rat, but his daughter would not settle for any one less than the most powerful one in the world.
So the father approached SUN with the request.
Sun on being told the reason politely declined his request saying that he was indeed not the most powerful one. It was a cloud who would block the sun light and sun finds himself powerless before a cloud.
When approached, the cloud cited a mountain more powerful than him for it is the mountain who would stop cloud in its' path.
Next was the mountain, who meekly stated that it is not the mountain who is the powerful, but the rat who would dig a hole in it and the mountain could not stop him.
Ultimately, the daughter agreed to marry a rat.
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Why men wear ear rings?
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
Women are so much smarter than men!
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men!
Bubble in Bathtub
Dirty Jokes - Bubble in Bathtub
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, Lets start with the boys first.
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby.
And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes next. Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.
Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.
This continues... and the last boy stands up I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.
First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds.
Teacher: Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.
Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.
Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...
Most beautiful girl of the class: Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.
Honest Lawyer!
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door.
"Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what's yours?"
"Tommy," replied the other.
"My daddy's an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
"He's a lawyer," Tommy answers.
"Honest?" says Billy.
"No, just the regular kind."
Passionate Love
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Great Accountant Jokes
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
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An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information? " "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
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A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
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Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.
Don't Mess With Your Wife!
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
still women loves man
Interesting facts
Men are like computers – hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man!
Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man!
Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man!
Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man!
Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man!
Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man!
Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man!
Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man!
A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man!
What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? – He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man!
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man!
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? – They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man!
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man!
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man!
What's the difference between men and government bonds? – Bonds mature Still Women likes man!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? – We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man!
Why are men like tile floors? – If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man!
What do you call a man with half a brain? – Gifted. Still Women likes man!
AND FINALLY …… Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? – Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man!
Noah in 2009
In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me
to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a
rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Marriage Counseling - Husband and Wife Joke
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing !!!
Software Career Growth Meter...Where do you Stand??
Baby's First Doctor Visit!!!
> I hope it will give you a smile!
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> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
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> Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
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> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
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> Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
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> Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
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> 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
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> 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
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> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
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> Rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
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> And detailed examination.
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> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
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> 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
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> You don't have any milk.'
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> I know,' she said,
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> 'I'm his Grandma,
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> But I'm glad I came.
Cows, Cows, Cows... !!! Very Funny!
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
This Too is for Good!!! Intelligent
An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This Too is for Good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This Too is for Good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And, so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This Too is for Good!"
"What do you mean,’ This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."
Trainee Joke
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily."Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
IT CONSULTANT JOKE
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
dust cloud towards him
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'
'You're an IT Consultant', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .
Now give me back my dog.
A Lesson from Maths
One more instance of how different individuals think and learn differently.
A teacher teaching Maths to seven-year-old Arnav asked him, 'If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?
'Within a few seconds Arnav replied confidently, 'Four!'
The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer (three).
She was disappointed. 'Maybe the child did not listen properly,' she thought. She repeated, 'Arnav, listen carefully. If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?'
Arnav had seen the disappointment on his teacher's face. He calculated again on his fingers. But within him he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher happy. His search for the answer was not for the correct one, but the one that will make his teacher happy. This time hesitatingly he replied, 'Four...'
The disappointment stayed on the teacher's face. She remembered that Arnav liked strawberries. She thought maybe he doesn't like apples and that is making him loose focus. This time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she asked, 'If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one strawberry, then how many you will have?'
Seeing the teacher happy, young Arnav calculated on his fingers again. There was no pressure on him, but a little on the teacher. She wanted her new approach to succeed.
With a hesitating smile, young Arnav enquired, 'Three?'
The teacher now had a victorious smile. Her approach had succeeded. She wanted to congratulate herself. But one last thing remained. Once again she asked him, 'Now if I give you one apple and one apple and one more apple how many will you have?'
Promptly, Arnav answered, 'Four!'
The teacher was aghast. 'How Arnav, how?' she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice.
In a voice that was low and hesitating, young Arnav replied, 'Because I already have one apple in my bag.'
'When someone gives you an answer that is different from what you expect don't think they are wrong. There may be an angle that you have not thought of at all. You will have to listen and understand, and not listen with a predetermined notion.'
