Baby's First Doctor Visit!!!

> I hope it will give you a smile!
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> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
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> Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
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> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
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> Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
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> Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
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> 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
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> 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
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> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
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> Rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
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> And detailed examination.
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> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
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> 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
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> You don't have any milk.'
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> I know,' she said,
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> 'I'm his Grandma,
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> But I'm glad I came.

Cows, Cows, Cows... !!! Very Funny!

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

This Too is for Good!!! Intelligent

An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This Too is for Good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This Too is for Good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And, so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This Too is for Good!"

"What do you mean,’ This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."

Trainee Joke

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily."Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....

IT CONSULTANT JOKE

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous

pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a

dust cloud towards him

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses

and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you

exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully

grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects

it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his

location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the

area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image

has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL

database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech

Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and

says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what

your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

'Okay, why not?'

'You're an IT Consultant', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

A Lesson from Maths

One more instance of how different individuals think and learn differently.

A teacher teaching Maths to seven-year-old Arnav asked him, 'If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?

'Within a few seconds Arnav replied confidently, 'Four!'

The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer (three).
She was disappointed. 'Maybe the child did not listen properly,' she thought. She repeated, 'Arnav, listen carefully. If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?'

Arnav had seen the disappointment on his teacher's face. He calculated again on his fingers. But within him he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher happy. His search for the answer was not for the correct one, but the one that will make his teacher happy. This time hesitatingly he replied, 'Four...'

The disappointment stayed on the teacher's face. She remembered that Arnav liked strawberries. She thought maybe he doesn't like apples and that is making him loose focus. This time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she asked, 'If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one strawberry, then how many you will have?'

Seeing the teacher happy, young Arnav calculated on his fingers again. There was no pressure on him, but a little on the teacher. She wanted her new approach to succeed.

With a hesitating smile, young Arnav enquired, 'Three?'

The teacher now had a victorious smile. Her approach had succeeded. She wanted to congratulate herself. But one last thing remained. Once again she asked him, 'Now if I give you one apple and one apple and one more apple how many will you have?'
Promptly, Arnav answered, 'Four!'

The teacher was aghast. 'How Arnav, how?' she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice.

In a voice that was low and hesitating, young Arnav replied, 'Because I already have one apple in my bag.'

'When someone gives you an answer that is different from what you expect don't think they are wrong. There may be an angle that you have not thought of at all. You will have to listen and understand, and not listen with a predetermined notion.'

Keep Off the Grass - Adult Humor

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Wise Thoughts - Funny

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.


Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?

Grammar Correction

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?"

The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Humorous statements made by airline flight crews...

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. "

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. "

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA. .!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"