There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Passionate Love
Great Accountant Jokes
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
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An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information? " "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
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A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
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Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.
Don't Mess With Your Wife!
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
still women loves man
Interesting facts
Men are like computers – hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man!
Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man!
Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man!
Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man!
Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man!
Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man!
Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man!
Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man!
A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man!
What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? – He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man!
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man!
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? – They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man!
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man!
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man!
What's the difference between men and government bonds? – Bonds mature Still Women likes man!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? – We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man!
Why are men like tile floors? – If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man!
What do you call a man with half a brain? – Gifted. Still Women likes man!
AND FINALLY …… Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? – Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man!
Noah in 2009
In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me
to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a
rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Marriage Counseling - Husband and Wife Joke
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing !!!
Software Career Growth Meter...Where do you Stand??
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Baby's First Doctor Visit!!!
> I hope it will give you a smile!
>
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> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
>
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> Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>
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> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
>
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> Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
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> Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
>
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> 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
>
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> 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
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> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
>
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> Rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
>
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> And detailed examination.
>
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> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
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> 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
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> You don't have any milk.'
>
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> I know,' she said,
>
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> 'I'm his Grandma,
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> But I'm glad I came.
Cows, Cows, Cows... !!! Very Funny!
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
This Too is for Good!!! Intelligent
An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This Too is for Good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This Too is for Good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And, so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This Too is for Good!"
"What do you mean,’ This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."
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