Wise Thoughts - Funny

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.


Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?

Grammar Correction

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?"

The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Humorous statements made by airline flight crews...

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. "

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. "

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA. .!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

Son of a bitch - Ultimate Joke

once a women goes to a church to confess to a father.
women: father, father i just called a men yesterday a son of a bitch.
father: there is no need to confess for that.
women : but father he touched my hands.
father : like this . (father touches her hand) there is no need to confess for that
women: but father he stripped my clothes.
father : like this . (father stripps her clothes) there is no need to confess for that.
women: but father he put his u know what in my u know where.
father : like this . (father makes out with her) there is no need to confess for that.
women : but father he had aids.
father : that son of a bitch”"”"”"”"”‘

SUSPECT ULTIMATE:::Chicken story -mind blowing climax-

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.


Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.


Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.


Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?


Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.


Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :
O.K. What kind of competition?


Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.


Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.


Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.


Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.


Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

Little Johnny's Dinner Story

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and

go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt

Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself

as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the

playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I

went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped

her take off her shirt.. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane........"


At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an

interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I

want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the

dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.



Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car


go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving


Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.


Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy


started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when


Daddy was in the Army."


Mommy fainted!


MORAL: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Never argue with a woman : Nice Joke

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and Decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife Decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and Reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'


'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start At any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'


'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start At any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual a assault,' says The woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.


'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you Could start at any moment.'


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Shortest Essay

This is a story of a 16 year old boy from New Hampshire who won the
World's shortest essay competition.

He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his
Imagination and humor ....Here's an example of absolute
Brilliance.. ..

Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a
Concise essay containing the following elements:



1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery



And……




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-






-







-





-





The prize-winner wrote:



"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is."

Some Hoardings & Some Titbits

Sometimes we get what we ask for....

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

When Italians speak English

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.... '

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.'

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!